disaster set-up.

99.9 % of the time I refuse any offers of being "set-up."

It's just not my thing, it's uncomfortable, I end up talking way too fast & too much, and generally being absurdly ridiculous.

However, I have a friend, who happens to be the best friend of an ex-boyfriend, who I was with for nearly 4 years, that wanted to set me up with one of his buddies.

His rationale: he's a really nice guy, rich, and travels all over the world.

After a couple months of brushing it off, I figured why the hell not.

So Friday night we made plans for my friend to pick me up and we would go meet his buddy for dinner & drinks. 

I even had rules: I had to wash my hair, not wear moccasins, and no plaid.  So I fussed myself up, think skinny jeans, knee high boots, hair spray in my Shakira-esque hair, and threw on some extra make-up.

We had some road sodas on the way, which was way necessary to calm my nerves - or rather loosen me up so I was my chatter-bug self, plus some.

We arrived, met, grabbed some seats at the bar, he seemed nice, we chatted, had some drinks, and ordered burgers.

I love that I ordered an enormous cheeseburger, and the boys did too.  No ensaladas here creepers, no sir.

Anyways, my first impression was that he was a bit smug and very army.  By very army, I mean you legit looked at him, and you knew he was in the army.  There was no question about it, ya know?

So then we proceeded to head to the Legion bar for the town.

We began playing some pool, which I'm terrible at, but I'm a pretty enthusiastic player and I enjoy myself, mostly.

There was a rogue girl sitting at one of the pub tables near the pool table, that I began chatting with.  Several minutes into the conversation she started bawling.

By bawling, I mean seriously, crying.  Tears down the face and all.

I began to panic, like what the hell happened here.

She ran outside to smoke a cigarette.

Phew ok.

Anyways, back to pool.  A ways into playing, which I was teamed up with my friend, and we were playing 2 random guys who were already there, the set-up man teamed up with a girl at another table.

No biggie, but it was pretty clear we weren't hitting it off.

So after a while, when it became blatantly obvious that every time we spoke it turned into a discussion of the army, or him becoming very intense, or an argument that I would attempt to diffuse by being silly, I gave up.

I decided damn, that guy at the bar is smokin'.  I'm gonna go chat him up.

Which I did, and he bought me a shot.  And we flirted a bit.

Then on my return to my friend, a girl pulled me aside:

Heyy, um are you from around here?

Not really, like 45 minute away.

Well, I am, and just a heads up, that guy you were chatting up is on trial for manslaughter.

Oh, right, ok thanks.

Sigh, are you serious?

Anyways, so on the night progressed and the arguments continued.

Now I would never bash the army, I wouldn't.  I respect it, I know my life is the way it is because they are present.

But I have zero desire to discuss the army ALL NIGHT LONG.

I also have zero desire to hear how every single country in the world is miserable and terrible and there is nothing positive about it.  And that if I adopt a refugee child, it will murder me in my sleep.  (I'm serious, that's what he said to me).

Because that's just fucked up.

There is something positive in everything, EVERYTHING.

So I high tailed it to the bathroom where on my way a pleasant gentleman told me I resembled Salma Hayek, which nearly made me pee my pants, because my body is like that of a 12 year old pre-adolescent boy....and in no way close to resembling Salma.  But anyways, apparently I resemble a young, Only Fools Rush In, Salma or something, minus the curves.

Anyways, I got back, to find out manslaughter man and his friends were going to fight army man, like 3 versus 1 style.

I flat out told them it was the dumbest thing I ever heard and then went and threw down on the dance floor.

I mean, there were some good tunes happening.

Thankfully, someone threw a white flag and there was no after bar brawl.

Anyways, the night had clearly come to an end.

Clearly.

So me and my friend hit the road and dialed my sister up and put her on speaker phone.

She was obviously drunk as she somehow misconstrued the situation to that of my friend setting me up with a murderer.  Which she was screaming at him on the phone.

It was hilarious, and a great closer to the evening.

Apparently though the set-up man felt bad the next day and thinks he came across like a douch bag (duh).  And was actually interested and wants to talk to me, about things other than the army, to which I said he has to talk about unicorns and moonbeams.

So now the real question is, second chance, or no second chance and how daring do I truly feel?

pee brain.

In the woods, like all the time.

If I'm headed somewhere and it hits me, on the side of the road.

In parking lots, on beaches, at soccer fields.

If there is a hold up at someone's house, a backyard.

Which one time in college, I was headed back from a party and stopped to pop a squat in a yard, because quite honestly I wasn't going to make it back, and as I was peeing someone inside the house threw on the outside lights.

Peeing in the spotlight, not amazing.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and bring my dog outside, it will strike like lightening, and I swear there will be no way I will make it back up my stairs to the bathroom, so I pop a squat in my own yard.

I know, I'm fucking classy.

But really, I just don't care.

If I have to go, I'm gonna go.

So as I was out hiking yesterday, and I hadn't seen anyone in nearly 2 hours, it hit. 

I've got to pee.

So with a quick glance either way down the trail, I popped a squat.

Boom, hello silent bicyclists appearing from no where.

There was clearly no way to cover up what I was doing.

So I just chirped a quick hello, which they proceeded to ignore, and everyone continued on their merry way.

It's a good thing running into those people in the future is seriously unlikely.

driving genius.

Remember that time I drove around for a couple days thinking my steering was messed up and in all actuality I had a flat tire?

I do.

I even remember attempting to put air in said tire and being incapable and having a worker come out, move my car to the garage, so that an elderly man could properly fill it up.

Then I got to work and as I headed down the stairs to the other building to pick up mail I sang to my coworker:

Here's the mail
it never fails
makes me want to wag my tail
when it comes I want to wail
MAAAIIILLL

The best part was as I opened the door with the final note of the Blue's Clues song, an administrator stood there with a huge smirk on his face.

Sigh, I'm so fucking amazing sometimes it's almost scary.

boom.

So at my friend's wedding I met this guy, well re-met is actually more appropriate.  I had met him a few years back, and had several run-ins over the course of the few years.

I was single this time around, as was he.

Obviously I had my big girl pants on (aka I had a number of alcoholic cocktails) and sauntered over and struck up conversation. 

From that point on we had a great time flirting at the wedding and the afterparty.

It actually even led to an invite (from him!) to go out to a party the next night in his neck of the woods, he would even pick me up.  Is it possible to be more gentlemanly than to offer to drive 1.5 hours out of your way to bring a girl to a party?

Seriously.

So we hung out that night, the following weekend, and then another weekend.

He kept up with my sarcastic, ridiculous humor.  He made me laugh.  He didn't attempt a hook-up (seriously 4 different nights in the same bed with alcohol involvement & nothing beyond some make-out sessions!).  He actually listened when I spoke, and could have actual conversations.  Our personalities were quite similar in a number of ways.

Similar but also polar opposite.  He was a city boy, republican, didn't recycle....all that jazz.

Strangely, I liked that he was similar in some ways but also so vastly different.  It made conversation fun. 

Honestly, I don't want to date myself people.  And I could work on the recycling part.

I was effing hooked. 

Which doesn't happen often for me.  Generally I distance myself from someone who shows an interest.  Not this time around - this time I was in it.

Then....boom.  Dwindling texts and ultimately zero future plans.

To which I will not invest myself - as soon as I sense someone back tracking, I'm fucking out.  I will not be the dorker girl clinging to some guy.  No ways.

While I will not cling - I will mentally fixate on the situation.

Like WTF happened, honestly.

We had a great time together, laughed consistently, had normal conversations....it seemed pretty legit.

I'm baffled and irritated.  Actually pissed is more appropriate.

I do the walking away damn it.

Then, I had a conversation with my friend the other day, explaining my frustration over this scenario.

She pointed out....this is exactly what you do the second a guy shows an interest in YOU.

Boom, in reverse.

For example I was chatting with an acquaintance from college for a bit (texting & phone-calls, yada yada), he knew about the whole Montana job opportunity disaster.  So he had flowers sent to my apartment.

BAIL OUT.

First let me point out, I do not like getting flowers.  I think it is a waste of money for something useless.  Chocolate or pizza would be far better choices.

But after the flowers, I immediately began reducing contact.  He was a little over-zealous for my liking.  To the point of now, a week later - I don't talk to him.

So my friend was accurate, this is what I do. 

Vested interest from a male = sayonara sucker.

Maybe this scenario with the boy who had ME hooked is karma.

I suppose I deserve it.

But it still frustrates the fuck out of me.