Sometimes I feel kinda like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride (minus the whole getting married bit), but the whole not knowing what it is you truly want.
I mean, really she didn't even know what kind of eggs were her favorite - truth: I'm mostly in the same boat.
I more or less know my favorite foods (pepperoni pizza xtra pepperoni, cheeseburgers, my Mom's meatloaf, her homemade macaroni & cheese, Thanksgiving feast your face menu, mostly anything chocolate (york peppermint patties are the best though!), and well actually there is quite a bit more)....I guess scratch the more or less know my favorite foods.
Anyways, I'm kinda feeling like I'm in a pretty big rut and I'm actually having quite a bit of issues with anxiety lately.
Then I found this blog post (which seriously check out their whole blog, really awesome stuff - expect some in future friday favorites, that's for sure): 95 Questions to Help You Find Meaning and Happiness.
Sign me up, immediately.
So I dove right in obviously.
Then I began to get frustrated, ohhh I don't know, by the time I reached question #5.
I literally can't answer these questions.
Nothing....well ok, maybe like a few questions all which have answers pertaining to my dogster.
Dogster = big love & happiness.
But any direct question requiring complete honesty with/on myself and I've got nothing?
Am I that much of a shell? Or am I that much of a mostly happy living with my head in the clouds type of mess?
WTF.
I always feel like I'm lost and un-settled.
I'm in a job I don't like, but I'm comfortable in.
I live in a fantastic location and I love my landlord and landlady but I want to explore the country, see if I'm supposed to fit somewhere else.
I don't want to just stay in the same area I grew up in, just because I'm scared to explore.
I want to explore, I'm psychologically prepared to do it, but I also know I'd miss my friends here.
But friends are friends no matter where you are in location.
It's like a constant battle in my brain.
The battle erupts after weekends like this past rockstar one.
It makes me realize I don't want to be in the same spot, doing the same thing, year after year.
I want to get out and LIVE, explore, change....all that good stuff.
This morning I sumbled upon this post: Why Feeling Lost is a Gift (And Why Questions are Your Friends).
Now I feel even more okay with my holy shit what in the cripes is going on in my life everyday status.
So at my friend's wedding I met this guy, well re-met is actually more appropriate. I had met him a few years back, and had several run-ins over the course of the few years.
I was single this time around, as was he.
Obviously I had my big girl pants on (aka I had a number of alcoholic cocktails) and sauntered over and struck up conversation.
From that point on we had a great time flirting at the wedding and the afterparty.
It actually even led to an invite (from him!) to go out to a party the next night in his neck of the woods, he would even pick me up. Is it possible to be more gentlemanly than to offer to drive 1.5 hours out of your way to bring a girl to a party?
Seriously.
So we hung out that night, the following weekend, and then another weekend.
He kept up with my sarcastic, ridiculous humor. He made me laugh. He didn't attempt a hook-up (seriously 4 different nights in the same bed with alcohol involvement & nothing beyond some make-out sessions!). He actually listened when I spoke, and could have actual conversations. Our personalities were quite similar in a number of ways.
Similar but also polar opposite. He was a city boy, republican, didn't recycle....all that jazz.
Strangely, I liked that he was similar in some ways but also so vastly different. It made conversation fun.
Honestly, I don't want to date myself people. And I could work on the recycling part.
I was effing hooked.
Which doesn't happen often for me. Generally I distance myself from someone who shows an interest. Not this time around - this time I was in it.
Then....boom. Dwindling texts and ultimately zero future plans.
To which I will not invest myself - as soon as I sense someone back tracking, I'm fucking out. I will not be the dorker girl clinging to some guy. No ways.
While I will not cling - I will mentally fixate on the situation.
Like WTF happened, honestly.
We had a great time together, laughed consistently, had normal conversations....it seemed pretty legit.
I'm baffled and irritated. Actually pissed is more appropriate.
I do the walking away damn it.
Then, I had a conversation with my friend the other day, explaining my frustration over this scenario.
She pointed out....this is exactly what you do the second a guy shows an interest in YOU.
Boom, in reverse.
For example I was chatting with an acquaintance from college for a bit (texting & phone-calls, yada yada), he knew about the whole Montana job opportunity disaster. So he had flowers sent to my apartment.
BAIL OUT.
First let me point out, I do not like getting flowers. I think it is a waste of money for something useless. Chocolate or pizza would be far better choices.
But after the flowers, I immediately began reducing contact. He was a little over-zealous for my liking. To the point of now, a week later - I don't talk to him.
So my friend was accurate, this is what I do.
Vested interest from a male = sayonara sucker.
Maybe this scenario with the boy who had ME hooked is karma.
I suppose I deserve it.
But it still frustrates the fuck out of me.
I apologize for the lack of posts. But seeing as I didn't end up running off into the sunset with a new boyfriend on one arm and my dog on the other side, I was all sorts of jaded this week.
Jaded. Or maybe it's just PMS.
But either way, after working with my boss on a couple of assignments today, he was very concerned. He wanted to know what was up and why I was so volatile.
VOLATILE.
When your boss asks why you are so volatile, you know you are likely making some poor choices at the work place.
My plan is to wake up on the right side of the love seat (I don't sleep in a bed, because my bed is in the loft, and I don't want to deal with waking up at 3AM to pee, and falling down the ladder....I also don't want to sleep that far away from my dog seeing as he can't get his 80lbs up a ladder) tomorrow morning, post my friday favorites, and kick this funk in the face and get on with my life.
I also intend to drink lots and be all sorts of ridiculous on Saturday. I'm very excited and 100% convinced that will help me get my shit back together.
