Limerence is a term coined by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe an involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction for another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infactuation, or what is colloquially known as a crush; but is really something quite different.
Limerence basically is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love, even to the point of addictive-type behavior. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone. Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often dismissed by nonlimerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction.
I had never heard of limerence before, but it's as if it's a term to define my normal state of mind.
Thank you life after college for re-visiting this post so I more properly understood where my head is at most of the time.
Like I've stated before, I live in fantasy-land/my happy little bubble 99.9% of the time. I plug along, completely indifferent to the unfortunate occurrences in the real world. But I'm happy as I am, so I'm down with continuing on this way.
The unfortunate thing that does happen, and I do not like, is where I meet someone and create this happily-ever-after fantasy future, even if I don't actually know this individual, and when it doesn't happen as I imagined I get in a weird-funk sort of state.
I never knew that there was an actual term for this behavior; limerence - aka a brain fueled with fantasy. Which is an amazing thing most of the time, except when it represents what we want but aren't going to have.
Components of Limerence (from Wikipedia):
Limerence involves intrusive thinking, acute longing for reciprocation, fear of rejection, unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence, and in cases of unrequited limerence, transient relief may be found by vividly imagining reciprocation from the limerent object.
A limerent person may have acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition that can be interpreted favorably. This may include a tendency to devise, fabricate, or invent “reasonable” explanations for why neutral actions are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object.
A person experiencing limerence has a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. In their thoughts, a limerent person tends to emphasize what is admirable in the limerent object and to avoid any negative or problematic attributes.
Was I just described in a nutshell, well yes, yes I was.
I have a tendency to become overwhelmed with a longing or a passion for someone often imagining that it must be reciprocated. I tend to cling to the scraps that are offered and take them as more than what they probaly were intended to be. I also cling to those scraps when in reality I know I deserve more than just those left-over pieces. And I pretty regularly forget other concerns/responsibilities when I get all wrapped up in a new fantasy.
Now that I have found an official definition, I need to figure out a way to stop this over-played scenario in my life, and avoid the awful after-funk.
I need to not settle for fantasy, all of the time.
But then the question arises, is fantasy actually settling? Or is it creating something fantastical that maybe one day I could potentially have?
So do I in fact need to settle with the disappointment, or funk, that is associated with my fantasties?
Because I'm not sure I can properly eliminate my fantasy world. A. it would be waaay to drastic and B. I LOVE my happy bubble.
Clearly there is some happy balance I have yet to achieve.
But hold on just a moment....
This epiphany would not be complete without the exploration of my other typical behavior.
The oh I've created a wonderful dreamlike future with this other individual but the second it is actually, in real life, reciprocated I run for the hills faster than you can say kemosabe.
Once someone turns around and shows a genuine interest I have a history of beating feet.
How is this possible?
I create a bubblicious fantasy, it has the possibility of actually being a reality, and I run?!
Yes, yes I do.
I am terrified of letting myself let go and being completely me and allowing someone to be a part of that.
I am comfortable living as just me and my dog. I'm happy in our bubble.
But there must be a balance of this fantasy world and minimizing actual risk so as to stop me from running.
There must be.
And I can't possibly be the only one seeking for it.
But hold on just a moment....
This epiphany would not be complete without the exploration of my other typical behavior.
The oh I've created a wonderful dreamlike future with this other individual but the second it is actually, in real life, reciprocated I run for the hills faster than you can say kemosabe.
Once someone turns around and shows a genuine interest I have a history of beating feet.
How is this possible?
I create a bubblicious fantasy, it has the possibility of actually being a reality, and I run?!
Yes, yes I do.
I am terrified of letting myself let go and being completely me and allowing someone to be a part of that.
I am comfortable living as just me and my dog. I'm happy in our bubble.
But there must be a balance of this fantasy world and minimizing actual risk so as to stop me from running.
There must be.
And I can't possibly be the only one seeking for it.
