zeroed out.

I am a size zero. 

And in years past, I've struggled with my body.  But right now, I could care less about my pant size, it means nothing to me.   I mean, I don’t even own a scale and haven’t in years.

But it recently dawned on me that I wear oversized articles of clothing or multiple layers to hide my body.

When I go shopping with family or friends, I always try on and buy bigger sizes so no one notices that I’m as small as I am. 

I realized that my only concern after being invited to an end of summer bash, was knowing I would have to be in a bathing suit in front of a large group of people.  I mean seriously, I spent 4 days fretting over which bathing suit would be the most appropriate and would draw the least amount of looks. 

For a girl that doesn’t care about what size she is, it’s embarrassing that I feel the need to hide it.  That people staring at my slim (and muscular!) frame, makes me uncomfortable.

I mean if I don’t care, why am I worried what others’ think?

I’m done with the nonsense. 

I mean in all seriousness I’m proud of what my body is capable of. 

I’m constantly on the go.  I’m constantly testing my physical abilities.

While I’m tiny, slim, petite, scrawny – or whatever you want to call it, I’m actually all muscle, and I’m proud of that.  I've worked for that.  

So without further adieu, what size zero means to me:

·         It means that I combat train 4 evenings a week.  I truly feel that the ability to defend oneself is one of the most important things there is.  I’m tiny but fierce.

·         It means that I hike EVERY SINGLE DAY, aka I can haul my buns up mountains without batting an eye.

·         It means I can cut and stack several cords of wood each year.

·         It means that I’ll go to the gym at 6AM on Saturday mornings because I have a friend who will push me to lift weights & do things I never thought I was physically capable of.

·         It means I’ll hop on the back of a 2000 pound horse I’m training, and not flinch over any bucking or rearing because I’m confident with the strength of my core.

·         It means I’ll spend an entire summer day haying fields with friends – 1600 bales to be exact.

·         It means that when my 90 pound dog cuts open his foot out in the woods, I'm completely capable of carrying him back down the trail to my car.

·         It means I can do 70 push-ups and real deal actual straight arm pull-ups.

In case you wanted to know, strong is the new skinny.

And all size zero means to me is strong.

thought for thursday.

A huge dream of mine is just packing up and relocating - somewhere. 

That somewhere list is kind of like chock full of never ending options.

A lot of the time though when I talk about this desire - the feedback is something along the lines of "you can't just run away from where you are at."

But really, sometimes running away puts you exactly where you're supposed to be.

And that risk?  Maybe worth it, maybe not. 

But not risking it and never knowing what might have happened?  Now that's a terrible chance to take.

oh heyyo 2012.

I don't really do the resolutions for the new year.

I have the mind set that each day should be approached as a blank slate, a new beginning if you will.

But I will say that I'm feelin' big moves for 2012.

I'm not an ordinary, run of the mill kind of girl.

I'm unique, and probaly a bit odd.

But this year, I'm all about embracing that.

Me & the dogster, we're all about getting things done, making differences, and exploring our world.

Bring it 2012.

only once.

invisibility.

Before us small town girls headed off to the big bad city....I got a text talking about wearing some flannel plaid to put our small town roots on display.

Immediately I knew I must take it a step further.

So alas, I threw on my black skinnies, knee high gray suede boots, a lovely cream tunic, and are you ready....a camouflage sweatshirt as my final layer, for the win.

So my 2 friends picked me up and were completely astonished with my last minute decision....which I will say, fucking rocked.

Off we went, me chattering a mile a minute in the back seat to which prompted the ever normal statement: if I didn't know you I would totally think you were on drugs.

I wish I received like a dollar everytime someone said that....seriously it would pay for a flight to Florida to visit my BFF.

Anyways, we had some road sodas en route, got lost in the ghetto - seriously was way scary -and got safely to our friend's condo.

We had some beverages and then headed to a restaurant where I made myself laugh several times with statements to the waiter along the lines of this:

Don't joke with me sir, if I throw on this here layer, you won't even see me....I'm serious.

Is that a branch - ohhh, nope just my arm.

Anyways, so we had some drankks and dinner - where I charmingly waved to an entire table full of gentlemen.

It's weird going out with a group of girls and having everyone at the table either be engaged or married, except for your single self, but I classed it up, no worries.

After dinner - and some "birthday" shots....thanks girls, we headed off to a bar.

Where eye contact was made with a mister mister across the room, who began a dance off as he made his way our direction....he stopped upon arrival and immediately asked if my camo was the result of a dare.

No, no dare....I had to one-up my friend here in the flannel plaid.  I figured camouflage was the only appropriate solution.

He immediately started laughing and said he was impressed.

That's right, I said impressed.

At that point - I removed said camo layer, immediately becoming visible once more, and a dance off ensued.

It was awesome, except the music was fucking terrible dance off music - think accoustic guitar, classic rock-esque, etc.

We made it work.

He then got my number....and soon after friended me on facebook.

I even heard from him already this week, and to be honest, he's fucking hilarious....and even proposed us getting together at some point in the future.

Sooooo....I'm gonna come right out and say it: clearly the way to pick up a man is to rock some camouflage.

Get on it ladies.

thought for thursday.

So gosh darn true.  And it's a good thing me and my sidekick dig adventures.

thought for thursday.

risk taking.

 Moxy Mag hits a homerun with this article on fictional female risk takers.

While I had no idea who Holly Golightly was before this article, I'm loving the blurb they wrote for her.

Be your own proactive agent of change. Dislike the name you were given at birth? Strike an ‘x’ through it and assume a more whimsically appropriate moniker that better suits your personality. Feeling trapped by the small town circumstances you grew up in? Pack your bags, move to the big city, and surround yourself with the company you wish to keep. Go to great and controversial lengths to attain your goals. Be a spectacle and embrace it. Be the life of the party, always, and when you wake up with the inevitable hangover the next morning, stay glamorous. Always. And if the risks you take don’t work out as planned, pick up and move on to the next step. Never lose the ability to reinvent yourself.

I think it's time for my own reinvention.

polar bears weigh enough.

To break the ice.

So I did it.

I walked down to the room where the inservice is taking place (while everyone was out on a break) to talk to my friend and pass on an important piece of information (lunch was an hour early, so what if I could have made a phone call!).  After I passed that on, I remained in the room chatting with him and one other new staff for a few minutes.

And then....my pretend boyfriend returned.  Score!

Heyy, was that you the other night at the show?

Yea, I was there.

Oh, alright, yea I totally thought it was you but wasn't really sure so I didn't say anything.

Yea, I was actually telling him that I thought I had seen you there.

My friend than chimed in with, this was the girl you were telling me was "middle-aged?"

WHAT, middle-aged?  HELLO, I am not middle-aged

The conversation then turned to friendly banter which I thought went well.  A few minutes later I left the room before everyone else returned.

Later in the afternoon I went down to the room (while everyone was on a lunch break) to talk to my friend.  The other guy that was in the room during the initial conversation was there too.

This other guy informed me that my boyfriend wasn't back yet.

Umm, excuuuse me?!

I immediately turned to my friend and yelled at him for opening his flipping big mouth!

But apparently, he hadn't said anything.

The fact that my face was beat red and I was clearly all sorts of flustered had said it all and even better: it has become a joke among all the other new staff.

So much for subtlety.

Whatever, considering I made a bit of a fool of myself, the ball is in his court.

big girl pants.

I need to stop being a flipping chicken.

Alright, so this past week there was an in-service group (training for newly hired staff that lasts about 2 weeks).  This training takes place in the downstairs of the building I work in.  Obviously this means I get prime viewing of the new staff.

Well wouldn't you know there is a total hottie in the group.

For the first few days of last week, every single time they got a break from training, I would saunter over to another building and flaunt my non-existant ass in hopes he would take notice. 

I also have access to each staff members information (and one of my good friends happens to be the in-service facilitator), so I asked to find out his name.  Got it, no problem.  My co-worker (the in-service facilitator) mentioned that he thinks he is younger than me.  Alright, so what....as long as it's not much younger, no biggie.

On Friday morning I got access to his license (yah, I can occasionally be a creep), and wouldn't you know it but he is actually the same age as me, born in the same month and everything.  Obviously, this is a good sign.

Considering everyone and their Mom has a facebook these days, I absolutely took to a search of his name.  Cripes, we have 6 friends in common! 

THIS IS FATE.  He obviously needs to be my new boyfriend.

On Friday afternoon, my co-worker asked the group if anyone had any plans for the weekend.  My new eye-candy responded that he was going to a small near-by bar to see a really decent local band play.

Could this go any smoother, honestly?

So I message one of the mutual friends, a really cool girl, who would semi-understand that I'm not a complete creepster (just a minor one) and ask for the low-down on this guy.  Response: really cool guy, you should totally get to know him, I think you would get along really well.

New Saturday evening plan: need to find a wingman to accompany me to this total townie bar to stage a random, impromptu run-in.

So, I convince my sister and one of my friends that this is clearly a good game plan and that they definitely want in.

We roll up to this small-time dive bar, walk in, order some drinks (get stared at by all the locals because we clearly are the outsiders), and then the crowd parts and wouldn't you know it, my boy is there.

I make a quick trip to the bathroom, just to confirm that it is in fact him (and hope that he sees me).  While in the bathroom I meet a middle-aged lady who was just getting down on the dancefloor.  Mind you, she is taking her inhaler after her one dance.  I totally made her feel fine about it though, I explained that it makes sense she would need it, she was really going at it.

The rest of the evening was spent chit-chatting with some people in the bar (randomly my sister actually knew a few friends there) and ordering new rounds of drinks.  Then we hit up photo-hunt.  If you've ever played photo-hunt when drinking, you know it's exceptionally addicting.

My sister ends up getting my boys attention and he joins us for a photo-hunt round.  My sister clams up so that I can strike up conversation.  What do I do you ask?  PLAY PHOTO-HUNT.  I do not say a word to him.  So he walks off.

I head home a total failure with my seemingly bomb-proof plan.

New game plan.  This morning when I see him at work (and I intentionally dressed in a favorite outfit), I'll say something like, "Heyy, were you at that show on Saturday night?  I thought it might have been you, but I wasn't sure."  There-by leading into further conversation.

My co-worker reports back first thing (he sees the group before I get in) that this guy mentioned he thought he saw me at the show.

Ok, so he did take notice.  Not a complete fail.  Now, I just need to start-up this conversation.

Wouldn't you know it, he went home sick today.

Fail x2.

My co-worker did inform that he described me as attractive.

Maybe not all has been lost.

I only have 3 days left of him being in this building for training.  Then he switches to an overnight shift.

I need to put on my big girl pants and be bold.