thought for thursday.

life as I know it.

2014.


My dog continues to be my best friend and is the most loyal and trusty companion I could possibly have dreamed up.


I received a job promotion.


I decided to become a vegetarian.


I returned to Nicaragua.


I rescued 9 foals from Canada.  I adopted one and she still doesn't like me.


I adopted an 8 year old maniac Morgan who has turned into the most wonderful misfit.


I acted in a movie, and have been asked to be in more.


I have a boyfriend.  My boyfriend has 2 kids, whom I adore. 


My boyfriend doesn't want more kids.  Which could ultimately result in a broken heart for myself.


One of my best friends had a baby, who upon being born was 1lb 14oz.  And now?  Now that little girl is a healthy love bug that I just want to scoop up.


I'm busier than I ever could imagine.


My life is somewhat insane.


Yet I love it.


My family and friends are so incredibly supportive of my decisions and lifestyle.


And I couldn't be more grateful on a daily basis for so many magical moments.

zeroed out.

I am a size zero. 

And in years past, I've struggled with my body.  But right now, I could care less about my pant size, it means nothing to me.   I mean, I don’t even own a scale and haven’t in years.

But it recently dawned on me that I wear oversized articles of clothing or multiple layers to hide my body.

When I go shopping with family or friends, I always try on and buy bigger sizes so no one notices that I’m as small as I am. 

I realized that my only concern after being invited to an end of summer bash, was knowing I would have to be in a bathing suit in front of a large group of people.  I mean seriously, I spent 4 days fretting over which bathing suit would be the most appropriate and would draw the least amount of looks. 

For a girl that doesn’t care about what size she is, it’s embarrassing that I feel the need to hide it.  That people staring at my slim (and muscular!) frame, makes me uncomfortable.

I mean if I don’t care, why am I worried what others’ think?

I’m done with the nonsense. 

I mean in all seriousness I’m proud of what my body is capable of. 

I’m constantly on the go.  I’m constantly testing my physical abilities.

While I’m tiny, slim, petite, scrawny – or whatever you want to call it, I’m actually all muscle, and I’m proud of that.  I've worked for that.  

So without further adieu, what size zero means to me:

·         It means that I combat train 4 evenings a week.  I truly feel that the ability to defend oneself is one of the most important things there is.  I’m tiny but fierce.

·         It means that I hike EVERY SINGLE DAY, aka I can haul my buns up mountains without batting an eye.

·         It means I can cut and stack several cords of wood each year.

·         It means that I’ll go to the gym at 6AM on Saturday mornings because I have a friend who will push me to lift weights & do things I never thought I was physically capable of.

·         It means I’ll hop on the back of a 2000 pound horse I’m training, and not flinch over any bucking or rearing because I’m confident with the strength of my core.

·         It means I’ll spend an entire summer day haying fields with friends – 1600 bales to be exact.

·         It means that when my 90 pound dog cuts open his foot out in the woods, I'm completely capable of carrying him back down the trail to my car.

·         It means I can do 70 push-ups and real deal actual straight arm pull-ups.

In case you wanted to know, strong is the new skinny.

And all size zero means to me is strong.

the return.

I've decided I'm back. 

From flying across the country for job interviews that I didn't take, to meeting exceptional people who encourage me to be me, to connecting with so many children through therapy work with my dog. 

Last but not least - to having my entire world shook up from falling so completely for someone and having my heart completely smashed into pieces. 

So, I'm back.  I stopped writing for far too long, and I NEED that escape, that creative outlet. 

So hi. 

And thanks to my friends for giving me that nudge.