squirrel eater.

Almost like man eater, but way more epic.

So when I first moved to my little on the outskirts town, I slowly managed to get to know the neighbors.

One of whom was this older man (think like 85ish) named Girard.

Girard is a character to say the least.

I would see him when I was out walking and generally I would stop for a chit chat, doing the friendly neighbor thing.  I mean I figured he was probaly lonely, would like to hear some chatter, and say hi to my dog.

Eventually he asked me to sit down for a cup of coffee some day at the local pizza parlor.

By local, I mean a nearby town as we don't have any pizza parlors.

Also, I've never heard of coffee at a pizza place, but I suppose that's irrelevant.

I told him that would be nice, maybe a day in the future would work out, and left it at that.

He mentioned it several more times when I saw him in passing and I really thought nothing of it.

Until one day I saw a car pull up into my driveway. 

No fucking way, that's Girard.

I closed my eyes and hoped maybe he had something else to do in the yard.

No such luck.

I heard the steady clunking up my stairs and then the knock at my door.

Oh, hi Twiggy.  I wanted to stop by to talk to you.

Alright, what's up, how are you?

Listen, I want to withdraw my invitation to coffee.  You see, I'm concerned you might get the wrong idea and really I'm just too old for you.

Ohh, umm.  Right, sure, ok.

End of convo, steady clunk clunk away.

Wrong idea?  Seriously.  Like I said, he's in his mid to late 80s.  I'm fucking 26.

Anyways recently I sat down with my landpeople and I mentioned the conversation which in turn led into a discussion of Girard.

I knew that he lived down by the river in a single family home that he inherited from his parents.

But I didn't know that apparently the water does not work, so he collects rain water in order to bathe in the kitchen sink. 

I also didn't know that there are mice that run rampant through his house which supposedly reeks of propane. 

And best of all, he is a seasonal eater.

Like he shoots squirrels out in back of his house to eat when it's squirrel season.

I didn't know there was a squirrel season.

Mildly disturbed, can you say yes.

Like I said, I'm a nutter and I embrace that description.  But squirrel eating is taking things a bit too far.

accidental drug bust.

So, as I was walking through the woods with my dog last night.  I was thinking about how I was going to organize my blog.  Should I start with the early years and slowly make my way up until now so that you understand more of who I am?  Ultimately I've decided I'm going to just roll with it, and whatever it is I want to write about, I'm going to write about.

Today, it's going to be about an accidental drug bust.  I'm serious, it was an accident.

The house across the road and down a ways from me had a family living in it when I first moved to my apartment.  I didn't really get to know them well, just happened to say hi occasionally if I saw them outside.  Or that one time I was walking by as the guy was yelling, while all sorts of angry at his wife, and then came crashing outside and broke the door off the hinges.  My dog thought about peeing on their mailbox as we walked by, I told him he better think again, and then tried to walk by all casual like. 

Before winter really struck, the family moved out (I wasn't that upset seeing as they had 3 poorly trained & underexercised dogs, one of which bit off part of my neighbors' dogs' ear).  But anyways, they were gone.

As winter came barreling through, after each significant storm the guy would come and plow out the house.  Literally that was the only time I ever saw anyone there.  But I also work a 9-5PM job, so who knows what was going on there during the day, certainly I didn't know.

One evening, after a bad storm, he arrived, plowed the driveway, and left again.  No biggie.

The next morning I went for a walk, I opted to stay on the road this particular morning because the snow was ridiculously high and had that hard crust on the top that my dog broke through with every step, which makes for a not very fun walk.  Anyways, so as I'm walking down the road, my dog (unleashed, he's that good!) stopped at the end of the driveway, looked at me, and kind of began to meander his way closer to the house.  I asked him to stop and then I realized, crap the fire alarm is going off.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do about the situation, so I decided I would continue on my merry-way and when I walked back past the house on my way home, if the alarm was still going off, I would deal with it then.

As I was walking, I decided that with my luck I would get home from work and the house would be burned to the ground, and I would feel like an utter asshole.  Ugh, so I decided to call the non-emergency line for the local police department. 

Now I'm terrible on the phone, so when I called it was something like "Ohhhh hi!  So I live on such and such a road and the house is abandoned across the street, but not really abandoned because the guy still plows it, but anyways they have a fire alarm going off.  Now I'm sure it's probaly a low battery or something, but if you know me, which you don't hahaha, you would know that with my luck I wouldn't call you guys and the house would burn down while I was at work.  I don't really want that to fall on my shoulders or that to happen at all."  To which she responded, if you can please just give me the address I can have someone check on the house.  Ohhh, right okay, thanks.

I went to work feeling like I successfully performed my neighborly duty.

I left work early this particular day because my sister invited me to be her wingman at a show in the city (another story for another post, trust me you'll want more info).  Anyways, so I got home around 2:30ish, to like seven police cars lining the road in front of the house with the alarm.  I thought to myself, phew!  Thank goodness I called, it must have been a basement fire or something.

I grabbed my dog to go for a stroll and strike up a brief conversation with one of the officers.  I walked up and said "Wow, am I glad you guys showed up, and that I called!  Must have been a real fire or something, like holy crap!"  He frowned down at me (likely thinking what is wrong with this girl), and said oh you're the one that called, thanks, yea we're just checking out a few things.

So I went back inside, got ready for this impromptu concert, and left in the early evening.  While I was driving I got a phone call from a neighbor.  He just wanted to clue me in with what was going on across the street in case I was wondering about all the cops. 

I CALLED IN A GROW HOUSE. 

The alarm was going off because it got damp, an icicle fell in a window or something ridiculous.  I heard the alarm, called it in, they checked on the house, and found an intricate grow system set up. 

Seriously.

When they found the family at the house they actually lived in, they also found a couple unlicensed guns. 

I told the chief of police that my name was to removed off of any documentation and that no one better know it was me that called.

I also asked if I could get a few freebies on my next couple pull-overs since I called in the biggest drug bust in the town's history.

Additionally I said my dog could do detective work if they needed the help.