Almost like man eater, but way more epic.
So when I first moved to my little on the outskirts town, I slowly managed to get to know the neighbors.
One of whom was this older man (think like 85ish) named Girard.
Girard is a character to say the least.
I would see him when I was out walking and generally I would stop for a chit chat, doing the friendly neighbor thing. I mean I figured he was probaly lonely, would like to hear some chatter, and say hi to my dog.
Eventually he asked me to sit down for a cup of coffee some day at the local pizza parlor.
By local, I mean a nearby town as we don't have any pizza parlors.
Also, I've never heard of coffee at a pizza place, but I suppose that's irrelevant.
I told him that would be nice, maybe a day in the future would work out, and left it at that.
He mentioned it several more times when I saw him in passing and I really thought nothing of it.
Until one day I saw a car pull up into my driveway.
No fucking way, that's Girard.
I closed my eyes and hoped maybe he had something else to do in the yard.
No such luck.
I heard the steady clunking up my stairs and then the knock at my door.
Oh, hi Twiggy. I wanted to stop by to talk to you.
Alright, what's up, how are you?
Listen, I want to withdraw my invitation to coffee. You see, I'm concerned you might get the wrong idea and really I'm just too old for you.
Ohh, umm. Right, sure, ok.
End of convo, steady clunk clunk away.
Wrong idea? Seriously. Like I said, he's in his mid to late 80s. I'm fucking 26.
Anyways recently I sat down with my landpeople and I mentioned the conversation which in turn led into a discussion of Girard.
I knew that he lived down by the river in a single family home that he inherited from his parents.
But I didn't know that apparently the water does not work, so he collects rain water in order to bathe in the kitchen sink.
I also didn't know that there are mice that run rampant through his house which supposedly reeks of propane.
And best of all, he is a seasonal eater.
Like he shoots squirrels out in back of his house to eat when it's squirrel season.
I didn't know there was a squirrel season.
Mildly disturbed, can you say yes.
Like I said, I'm a nutter and I embrace that description. But squirrel eating is taking things a bit too far.
